Parental Impersonator Humorist Pillows

"Mrs. Smith, I know that you parents have to pay a fine if you keep your child off school without permission, but your impersonation of Julie isn't fooling anyone!"

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'Just taking the dog for a walk, Dear.'

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

"Good news. It's a small pig."

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'