Humorist Parent Pillows

'And the coolest dad of the year award goes to... Dr. Armstrong for his note, 'to whom it may concern, my son is allergic to homework'.'

'Wayne, your turn - Darren needs changing!'

'Hey, half my chromosomes are YOURS, you know.'

"My mom will only let me play Angry Birds if they're passive aggressive."

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"This is where baby gets some alone time."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"Good news. It's a small pig."

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"Have you seen my dad?"

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

The Wright brothers discover the first nightmare flight

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

'No not there. Let's try it over here this time...'

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'