Parental Adviser Pillows

'Wouldn't be easier to start preventive check-ups?'

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"Mom said eat everything in moderation, so I renamed the cookie jar 'Moderation.'"

'Never underestimate the value of pipe-dreams, my son.'

Icarus, you are not flying anywhere until you put on some sunscreen.

'I wasn't playing hooky -- I was fleeing the deteriorating public school system.'

"You know, son, you're not going to get anywhere just gliding around all the time!"

"Hold it right there! Our legislature is currently considering new measures to protect children from the insidious ravages of cell phones in schools!"

"It's all significantly less impressive once you realize these guys had free child care."

Warring parents

"...some of these tadpoles may not be yours."

'I'm not sure if it's the programs or the commercials, but one is supposed to be a lot worse than the other.'

Son, it's time you grew some legs and moved out.

Soccer Moms

Mom's The Boss

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

"Stop telling me how well you did on the written."

'My mom just explained babies to me. I'm not sure, but I think I'm a bird and you're a bee.'

"Oh, don't jump. But at least learn to code."

"The news lady says this bad guy was charged with assault...but he didn't have rifle. How's that possible?!"

'You look down, son. You wanna rock about it?'

The Supreme Court, Juvenile Divisio: "As usual, the obvious precedent for this case is the children v. Mommy."

'I may not be able to smack you, but it won't stop the 'Bogie Man' coming to get you if you are naughty !'

Kid reader to librarian about 'Parenting' book: 'This didn't tell me anything about how to deal with parents.'

'How do you expect them to treat you in a mature way with that thing in your mouth?'

'My mother made me apply.'

Wow, you're right! Your mom's regurgitated worms are way better than my mom's!

Before birds and bees,

"Sorry, son. . . You're not getting the keys to the car until you show me you're mature enough to bring it back completely totaled."

'I don't mind them, but I would like to see my daughter getting married to one of them!'

A Victorian park.

"They grow so fast. In my day, you didn't become morbidly obese until adulthood."

"You told him he should start his own business."

'It's making me happy.'

"When my parent were kids, they made up alibis. I just carry disclaimers."