Parent Of A Messy Child Pillows

Lady to lady about messy kid: 'Maybe we should have named him Spot.'

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

"Where's your nose?"

Two children play with a pedal bin

'That one's going to be a klutz.'

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

'...and please God, protect the social security fund for another sixty years.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'Monster mobiles.'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

Baby with a full diaper 'Load Rage'

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

"Your father dressed you, didn't he?"

"I'll explain later."

Boho Bribes

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'Hello? Animal control?'

You put sparkling water in the WHAT?

'for the record, it tasted like black licorice.'

'Oh, for heaven's sake. Ethan's having another growth spurt.'

"Have you seen his sippy skull?"

Newton's Cradle

Excited about getting Gina to the hospital on the 'big day', Doug converts their car into the Stork-mobile.

"You know what I love? Rolling in dead squirrel." "Oh, my God, yes! How about peeing on the floor at Petco?!" "Wait, wait–what's the farthest distance either of you have rubbed your butt across a carpet?!"

It's so frustrating! They always stop acting evil the minute you start recording.

Tooth Pulling Cork

"I'll hold the kid eventually. I just don't want it to develop a false sense of entitlement."