Parent Life Enthusiasts Pillows

"I'm going crazy staring at the same four legs."

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Growth Charts

"It's bold! It's moving! It's inspired! But what is it?"

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

"I couldn't find the phone charger, but I was able to locate all the mouses the kids lost over the years."

"Use your inside scream."

"I'm so good at this!"

"And remember, it's important to wake them up at hourly intervals."

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Early childhood development

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

Crying baby

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

'If your boss is so dumb, daddy, why did he hire you?'

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

'If he hasn't got a name yet, how do we know he's ours?'

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"My first Father's day!"

'Oops! It says administer at bedtime. Guess that makes it bedtime.'

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'