Parent Life Enthusiasts T-Shirts

"I'm going crazy staring at the same four legs."

"I spilled a red dot of paint, so I painted the whole room so you wouldn't notice it."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'The child is very illogical'

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

'Everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.'

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

Growth Charts

Sigh … They grow up so fast, don't they?

"No monsters, but there's a tear in the carpeting and I see hardwood!"

"I couldn't find the phone charger, but I was able to locate all the mouses the kids lost over the years."

"It's bold! It's moving! It's inspired! But what is it?"

"I'm so good at this!"

'Hi Dad. I want you to meet Mr. Hacketal, my attorney.'

"Use your inside scream."

Toddler Feeding Solutions

"And remember, it's important to wake them up at hourly intervals."

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

Early childhood development

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

'If your boss is so dumb, daddy, why did he hire you?'

Crying baby

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

"My first Father's day!"

'Oops! It says administer at bedtime. Guess that makes it bedtime.'

"Sweet dreams my little tax break."

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

'Sorry, he can't come out and play. He's grounded.'