Parenting Aficionados T-Shirts

'Oh, it's great. They're always finishing each other's sentences,they wear all the same clothes... course one of them's an idiot.'

'The child is very illogical'

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

MOTHER & TODDLER GROUP

'No more kids, Steve -- I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.'

Children are the centre of their parent's world.

"I can hear some rattling: Better start writing those birth notices Darling..."

"Timmy was a bit shy at first, Mrs. Jordan....but he warmed right up to me!"

'This is so old-school.'

'I'm just waiting to see when I will be preoccupied with sex.'

'I want to marry a man like my dad, but who won't be on to me about doing my homework.'

'A boy? I thought you were having a gastric bypass.'

"Can I see your pilot's license? My teacher said you're a helicopter parent."

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

"No, the cordless embryo isn't available."

Suffering from Cooties?

"We're ecstatic about our new au pair."

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

I love my family!

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

Growth Charts

'Son, I want you to get out there and play like I've never played before.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

Toddler Feeding Solutions

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: I need backup...NOW!

Early childhood development

Crying baby

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

"Sure was a lot of screaming for the happiest day of your life."

"I'm going crazy staring at the same four legs."

'Look, dear. Her first opinion.'

'It wouldn't be right if I did your homework for you!' 'At least you could try!'

"Sure, helicopter parenting is bad but drone parenting is way worse."

"I'm tired of this full-time job. I want a part-time job."