Parent In Need Of A Break Pillows

'Our eggs should stay nice and warm in the hot sand: Let's go for a swim...'

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'Is THIS the way you plan to spend your peak learning years?'

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

"Look. He's just created his first text output object."

"How are you getting on with your new baby?"

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

"Finally. The baby's asleep, the washing's done, I've finished cleaning the house..."

'We need a dog!'

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

"Have you ever heard about deferred prosecution agreements, Mommie?"

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

'It's ironic really. We love kids most when they are unconscious!'

"You mind if I sit here and yammer on while my kid does whatever he wants?"

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

"But MOM, between school, homework, sports and music lessons, I don't have time for time-outs anymore!"

'Of course I respect him more than you - He's house trained!'

Meals on Heels.

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."

'Whoever said practice makes perfect never had kids with drum sets.'

"It's so easy to tell when Larry needs a vacation. The ozone smell is always a dead give-away!"

'For God's sake, Tom, just let her cry - I can't stand your singing any longer.'

Poker Moms

"It's either "Bring your kid to work" day or it's "Drop of handbag in kindergarten" day today?"

"Dad, I'm thirsty again!"

"I told you not to have that boob job."