Tired Parents Unite Pillows

"It's either "Bring your kid to work" day or it's "Drop of handbag in kindergarten" day today?"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'Cracked nipple? But I didn't even drop you.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

'We need a dog!'

"How are you getting on with your new baby?"

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

'It's ironic really. We love kids most when they are unconscious!'

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

'Either switch off his batteries or take 'em out!'

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

"You mind if I sit here and yammer on while my kid does whatever he wants?"

'Of course I respect him more than you - He's house trained!'

"But MOM, between school, homework, sports and music lessons, I don't have time for time-outs anymore!"

'Whoever said practice makes perfect never had kids with drum sets.'

"Dad, I'm thirsty again!"

"I'd be happy if I got half the attention and was half as clever as my kids' smartphones."

'For God's sake, Tom, just let her cry - I can't stand your singing any longer.'

'Wait a minute...what am I doing? I can't count yet.'

'You must've really been tired last night. You put the diaper on the dog.'

'It works better than the pacifier.'

“Worst. Playdate. Ever.”