Tired Parents Unite Pillows

"It's either "Bring your kid to work" day or it's "Drop of handbag in kindergarten" day today?"

"I'd like to get my hands on whoever coined the phrase 'sleeps like a baby'."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

We tried rocking her to sleep, but she still seems tired and cranky.

That's my daughter, Alayna

'Cracked nipple? But I didn't even drop you.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

"I'm not against having more children, I'd just like to finish with this one first."

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

'We need a dog!'

"How are you getting on with your new baby?"

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

'It's ironic really. We love kids most when they are unconscious!'

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!

"Oh please, go on, just for the weekend."

"You mind if I sit here and yammer on while my kid does whatever he wants?"

'Who's gonna stay here and do my homework?'

'Either switch off his batteries or take 'em out!'

"But MOM, between school, homework, sports and music lessons, I don't have time for time-outs anymore!"

'Of course I respect him more than you - He's house trained!'

'Whoever said practice makes perfect never had kids with drum sets.'

After years of shuttling teenagers around, Gina started hallucinating that she was morphing into a Chrysler minivan.

"Dad, I'm thirsty again!"

I'm late. Nothing you can say will convince me to drive you to school. O.K. Slam!

'For God's sake, Tom, just let her cry - I can't stand your singing any longer.'

"I'd be happy if I got half the attention and was half as clever as my kids' smartphones."

'Wait a minute...what am I doing? I can't count yet.'

“Worst. Playdate. Ever.”

I used to run every day. But lately its just been a rack for my clothes.

Push me! Mom! Well? I'm waiting! The Little Engine Whose Parents Did Everything For Him.

'It works better than the pacifier.'