Paranoid Eater T-Shirts

"The penicillin looks good."

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

No Immediate Danger

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Please don't kill me."

Trust

"He says he's not running away. . . he's just going off the grid."

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

Conspiracy Cat

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

'Hello, Ebeneezer! It's me - the ghost of coming dinner!'

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

All You Can Eat Buffet: "Remember, my safe word is 'Diabetes.'"

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

How melanoma researchers take family summer vacations.

'Two more strawberry creams and that's my ' five a day' taken care of....'

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

'Don't open that attachment!'

Chicken Little's Cousin, Turkey Little: 'The Axe is falling! The axe is falling!'

'For cryin' out loud. All I said was I thought I heard a noise outside last night!'

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

Food-Snob Fear Factor

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

I rented a car from Hertz the other day, and there was a camera in it. Really? Someone forgot their camera? No, I mean in the dashboard. There was a little camera pointed at me. I have no idea who or what was watching me. Maybe it was Hertz. Maybe it was the NSA. Maybe it was for American Idol auditions. To cover all my bases, I sang the Star-Spangled Banner the whole drive. I'm never renting from Hertz again.

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"