Paranoid Palate T-Shirts

"Please don't kill me."

"I'll get the onion soup... it's the only thing on the menu that I don't know why it's bad for me!"

No Immediate Danger

The Government's Got Your Back. And Wants Your Front As Well.

Trust

"He says he's not running away. . . he's just going off the grid."

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

Conspiracy Cat

"The penicillin looks good."

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

Hypochodriac worrying about his heart.

'I checked my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead!'

"They're out to get me... I keep getting phone calls that say 'spam risk'."

'The computer can talk to terminals all over the country. Bentley thinks it's talking about him.'

"You never call, and the federal government will back me up on that."

"Welcome to the neighbourhood. I hope you like savory pies."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

How melanoma researchers take family summer vacations.

'I don't know what it is...I just have this funny feeling like I'm being followed.'

'Don't open that attachment!'

'With all the cars being stolen these days, I went out and bought the strongest security system I could afford.'

"Look, it's just a cold. . . ok?. . . It is not, I repeat, not! The Coronavirus."

I rented a car from Hertz the other day, and there was a camera in it. Really? Someone forgot their camera? No, I mean in the dashboard. There was a little camera pointed at me. I have no idea who or what was watching me. Maybe it was Hertz. Maybe it was the NSA. Maybe it was for American Idol auditions. To cover all my bases, I sang the Star-Spangled Banner the whole drive. I'm never renting from Hertz again.

"All our devices are talking to each other - about me."

'For cryin' out loud. All I said was I thought I heard a noise outside last night!'

"...And never take candy from strangers -- They might be spies!"

"Geoffrey's a bit worried about Lyme disease."

"For goodness sake, Edgar, it's a stair lift not a moon rocket!"

"You don't need to come in for any more check-ups . . . we can get most of your personal information off Facebook."

'I've prescribed Anti-Depressants - you'll still be paranoid, but you'll be happily paranoid!'

"Skin cancer. . . terrorism, I'm not taking any chances!"

"Neighbors say you saw a movie that featured someone critical of the government's corona measures. You better come with us."

'My home's got 'fortress' features galore - the best burglar alarm - armed security guards - intercom system - closed-circuit television - etc. ... I'm a virtual prisoner in my own home!'

What's wrong with me? I'm sure it's nothing. What's nothing? Absolutely nothing to worry about. "I'm sure it's nothing" are the evilest words in medicine!!! That's actually true.