Page-turning Pundit Gifts

'Like to read, huh? Me, too. I'm a big reader. I just finished a book by Brown. You know Dan Brown? Great writer...'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"I'm as progressive as they come, except for my money. No one touches my money."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Al, you know how a lot of people in Britain regretted their decision to leave the European Union? I was just wondering if you ever regretted your decision to leave the human race.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Eat your lettuce. It'll put colour back in your cheeks.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"Is this 'pollocks'."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."

"In view of climate change, I'd put all my money into ice cream, mineral water and weapons!"

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'ANOTHER fatwah?! Who have you been sharing your thoughts with this time?'

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'Not a problem. Our industry is self-regulated. In fact, I'm scheduled to jump off the roof right after this meeting.'

"Postmodern irony, right? - the creativity is in the price."

"Technically, when the manufacturer wants your car back, it's a recall. When the bank does it, it's a repossession."

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

His first book was huge, but publishing is such a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately business.

EU-budget fight

Big government pig

'If you want to know what really happened, you'll have to buy my new book.'

'I see they're having editorial differences upstairs again.'

Uniformed but Passionate