Artful Pundit Gifts

"Is this 'pollocks'."

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

'Today is the tomorrow I feared yesterday. . .'

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"Suppose you tell me why you want to be a faceless drone at Globatron Inc.?"

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

Learn to Be a Critic In The Privacy Of Your Own Home With The Apex Correspondence School Of Criticism!

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

Garden of Eden and scrumping

'I have a master's in 17th century Dutch feminist poetry, but I've never really used it.'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

'We finally do have meaningful tax reform, sir. This year's form is printed on recycled paper.'

Editor. Short. Sweet.

Siegfried Sassoon

Chicken standing on a platform on a stage with three horns in front of it and wearing a top hat; a sign on the side of the platform reads "National Endowment for the Arts - Seal of Approval."

Wussapalooka

"I'm in here, rereading the great poets, myself among them."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'Eat your lettuce. It'll put colour back in your cheeks.'

Trays 'IN' 'OUT' and 'Don't ask'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"In view of climate change, I'd put all my money into ice cream, mineral water and weapons!"

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

"It can cut through anything ... well, almost anything. There still is governmental red tape."

The Cartoonist's armoury

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

Nostalgia: 'In one era..out the other'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."