Package Detective Gifts

"Snowman 1 to snowman 3... UPS delivery complete... FedEx approaching fast... Amazon not in sight... Over!"

U. S. POST OFFICE, ''Fragile'? Yeah, yeah, pal -- they're all fragile.'

"Sure, shopping online is faster and cheaper, but there's something almost sensuous about carrying an armload of packages!"

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

The EP-21 spy plane.

Newton's Law and Order.

'I see you've found a cure of the 'new car fever'.'

"Yes, we've accepted late deliveries before... but 75 years!!!"

'Special Delivery!'

Processed foods, unprocessed foods.

'We're looking for somebody in medical research.'

'It appears that 'reduced fat' means high fat, 'lo-fat' means plenty of fat, and 'fat-free' means some fat.'

Lost luggage turning up on Mars.

"You fix it by buying a new one."

"The sniffer dog had found cocaine again."

'I don't know, Al... A dumpster in the middle of the woods! Seems kind of fishy to me.'

"Hundreds of looted Christmas gifts. . . A missing reindeer. . . does that ring a bell, Mr. Rudolph?"

Health food and junk food

"I'm addicted to online shoppin. It's so bad that I have a hallway full of unopened parcels."

'This soup must be loaded with additives. The label says that 'frequent use of this product requires periodic liver function tests'.'

"This stuff comes with a prize! If you can pronounce all the ingredients, you get an honorary degree in chemistry."

'You want to insure it? --Just exactly what are you implying, buster?'

X-Raying Christmas Presents

'What were you saying a minute ago, about not being able to judge a wine by its label?'

"Relax, Ms. Jones. I'm just X-raying this gift from my brother-in-law to see if I should re-gift it."

"Artificial coloring, artificial flavoring, artificial glop, artificial slop, artificial this, artificial that..."

"And no matter how many times they got it redelivered they were never home to receive the package."

'Do you remember when food had food in it?'

"It's not exactly shopping. Many companies have my profile, they send me stuff they know I'll like and they bill me for it."

"Yes, I do all my shopping online. How did you know?"

"I was at home all day yesterday so when do I want you to re-deliver? Yesterday!"

Food Formerly Sold As Milk/Food Formerly Made with Sugar/Food Formerly Known as Meat/Food Former Fried.

"Look! It's everything we forgot we ordered online!"