Over-communicator Pillows

"I can't remember, did you text me, call me, tweet me, email me, or just tell me about it?"

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

"They didn't want to be identified in my photo, so I blurred their butts."

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

"They communicate through clicks and taps."

'Complete sentences?? Jeez, how verbose can you get?'

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"You don't whisper anymore."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

"Don't even think about it."

Pet psychic -- yup, she's for real.

"I think it loves us."

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

"I thought you said I needed to get some 'extra size'."

"Hold that thought, my love. I'm listening – I just need to pee on those daylilies."

"Yes, that's the tree with all the squirrels from yesterday. And no, I don't know where they are today."

"And here is the very stone that finally enabled us to figure out what all those dogs and cats were saying."

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

"Abbreviations here, abbreviations there, and one is more incomprehensible than the next!"

'I'm having a bad whisker day.'

"Obviously, I can't fly like you, but if you teach me, I can probably sing like you..."

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

Mime marriage.

'Quotes, woof, woof, woof, woof, closed quotes.'

'Is it one moo for yes two moos for no?'

'Young Master and I are both turning two: How come I'm so much more mature than he is?'

I have an idea for a new app: It'll tell you what your dog is thinking. What? How? Through a sensor planted in the dog's collar. Every time it barks, whines or sighs, the sensor will beam an English translation to your phone. It'll either say "feed me," "walk me," "I need to potty," or "leave me alone," or a random combination of those. That sounds like the most useless app ever. It'll also shout "I'm running!" when the dog is running.

"The etchings are in the library."