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Continental marshal

Dear Diary. . . why, oh why, did I choose an adventure holiday?

"I think the ants are mooning me again."

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

'All I said was 'belly up to the bar'.'

Dear Dairy

A house cat fishes in a goldfish bowl

'Go on - they're organic!'

'...and this is the Mess.'

'I haven't been able to go to sleep in this new bowl.'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Horsekeeping - No. X.

"You can go home now, Barmpot - we've balanced."

"... with a side of brown rice, right. And can the delivery guy stop at the pharmacy and pick up my prescription?"

The Complete Cycle.

"I'm just making a few behavioral notes in my journal, then I'll chase him."

'They'll never take my word for it -- You'd better put them in writing.'

"Today we will focus on how the author makes the same exact complaints about here life, from her sixth birthday and on."

Dead Men Tell No Tales.

Inbox and outbox for books

'Can we move the beef jerky a smidge and display our organic cleanser?'

Hypatia

"Don't talk to your dad - he hasn't had his morning coffee yet!"

Raccoons! Single file into the crate! Snake! Back in your hole! Crickets! Keep it down! Animal Control Freak.

The world on lockdown

"Good afternoon. Feng-shui consultation bureau."

Coffee Overload: 'I'll have a low fat soy latte, no sugar, two biscotti...make that a Columbian-Kenyan bean bend...oh make it snappy, I'm in a hurry!'

"I found this place on Waterbnb."

"Of course it's improved. Check out the quality of the packaging graphics."

'Of course I ate the Goldfish: What did they expect me to do? It's my nature, I can't help it...'

Fortune teller has a diary for 2017

"Dear diary: Pillage, conquer, scheme, poison — same old thing. Plus, my new robe makes me look fat!"

A house is full of signs directing where things are stored.

"Okay, so the object of the game is to get into the most pedantic fight about the rules."

"The closest we get to an intimate dining experience is ordering delivery together."

'84% of our losses are due to accounting errors.'