Opportunistic Humor Pillows

'I'm only interested in locating wealthy relatives.'

"Would you relax? They never look up."

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

"Trying to impress us on your first day is understandable, but the moon has already been discovered."

'How now, brown cow?'

'There is not a thing that medical science can do for you. Have you tried 'wishful thinking'?'

Executioner forgetting his glasses.

Hand Sanitizer: Please Be Considerate To Your Fellow Evolvers

"This is a very nice thing you’re doing."

'Sir! We're all doomed! It's a fitted sheet! How can we ever hope to stop something we can't even fold?!'

"Whoever said there ain't no such thing as a free lunch obviously has never circled around a highway."

'You will meet a tall, dark and handsome man. He will play forward on the pro-basketball team you've just bought!'

'It quickly became apparent that Optometry was not the right career choice for Errol'. 'Is that the right one? I can't tell!'

'I'm rather rich actually, maybe it's because I always laugh all the way to the bank...'

"Stick what up?"

"You mind if I smoke?"

Kid sells underwear outside of hospital emergency doorway.

Best Seller: How you can profit from the upcoming terrorist upheavals.

'No. Why should I give you my autograph?. You'll only sell it on eBay!'

Olive that looks suspiciously like an eye!

'Ugh, a contact lens. I wish he'd had corrective surgery because I hate artificial ingredients.'

'Andrew! You never told me you had a twin!'

A hunter missing his target

"3D printing can effectively solve many world problems."

'As a safety feature, I flattened one side.'

Woman gossiping on emergency phone

'That's the worst case of eye strain I have ever seen'

Scientists Eyes Test

All Around the world, business leaders are rising to the challenge of climate change. . .

'Excuse me for staring, but we don't get to see a lot of royalty around these parts.'

'These days, we don't encourage customers to make themselves at home anymore.'

Trapped in the worst blind date of his life, John Glynn tries to chew his arm off at the shoulder.

"...Talk about stubborn!"

"How long are we supposed to keep this up?"

"Goodness gracious great balls of fire, no!"