Observational Humor Pillows

'Andrew! You never told me you had a twin!'

"Trying to impress us on your first day is understandable, but the moon has already been discovered."

"...Talk about stubborn!"

"The earthlings seem to be using it as some kind of life sustaining feeding machine!"

"How long are we supposed to keep this up?"

"Honestly, I didn't know your wife was in the shower."

"Look! No hands!"

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

"Would you relax? They never look up."

'-and you're living proof that ALL men are not born equal, runt!'

Trump

"If find people express themslves more freely in traffic jams."

"I'll have dessert first."

"Well, you can't say they didn't warn us."

So doctor, what you're saying is that all the time I thought she was a crazy cat lady, it was me who had mental health issues...

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"Sorry, I'm not criticizing your driving so much as I'm marvelling that you're still alive."

Executioner forgetting his glasses.

'If we're to be able to afford a cutting edge IT system then we have to make sacrifices...and you're ours.'

"I've switched from talking to myself to talking at myself."

"My lecture is about our short attention spans and what a lovely day it is I should be walking but tomorrow maybe I’ll cut the grass..."

'Pardon me. Can you tell me where 9 West 57th is?'

'My eyesight was getting worse, but thanks to my new glasses, I can play 'Monkey see, Monkey do' again...'

'It quickly became apparent that Optometry was not the right career choice for Errol'. 'Is that the right one? I can't tell!'

Big Mouthed Boat about to swallow fish swallowing fish and so on.

Greetings cards copy writer's block.

"Harumph. Some 'sailor man.'"

'How's the executive training program, going?'

Official in flooded office says: 'A decision on lifting the hosepipe ban will be made in due course.'

Elderly Dating

T-shirts will allegiance to different types of music on, while one guy has a shirt that reads 'middle of the road is all right with me.'

'How come your notebook has a sudoku puzzle on it?'

Couple look out of a window shaped like a television screen.

Thief pushing a man into the operating theatre, a sign on the wall says: Thieves Operating In This Area

"Don't, son – once they cross over into meats, they're out of our jurisdiction."