Humorist Observer Pillows

"Sorry, I'm not criticizing your driving so much as I'm marvelling that you're still alive."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'I feel like exercising. Have you seen my tennis shoes?'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"He's a guard dog."

'Apparently the stag party has gone into extra time.'

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

'Take me to you lieder.'

'I thought I would rent it out for the extra dough.'

"I think you'll like this idea-it's sort of 'dull' meets 'inoffensive.' "

'Look, I said I'd bring you the report on micromanaging. Just give me a chance.'

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"Every Thursday I do her nails."

So you'd like to be a lawyer...we require honest, genuine people, who are prepared to...learn how to fake sincerity.

'It's clear that we need Haitian refugees in America to do jobs Americans aren't willing to do... Like voting Democratic!'

Paper Boy

'Well it's too bad you're not a black widow like me, Slyvia...'

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"Inactivists"

"Humiliation is a very important part of the the process, Mr. Keifer."

"That damn dog's scratching again!"

'I'm sorry young lady, but you're not old enough to be free range!'

'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'

Alien asking for Bernard manning's autograph

"Is that snow? We never get snow around here...what do we do?"