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The Scene of the Crime

Proud of herself for "never owning a tv" Emily watches eight episodes of a mediocre tv show on her laptop while in bed.

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

'It must be a problem of interpretation. I've read this book DOZENS of times, and I keep winding up here!'

Some cars need a backseat steering wheel.

"Why can't I get anything done unless I'm totally stressed out about it?" "Is it possible to be relaxed and still be productive?" "What is wrong with my brain?" "Why don't you work better?"

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'We seem to have more luck getting people to accept cookies rather than broccoli when they visit websites.'

'Look! Man has been here!' 'Yeah, it must have been a man because the seat was left up.'

Give me a child at seven and I will show you the MAN!

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

Seeing the marriage counselor.

'Now don't forget what I told you - no touching!'

"Mom, vegetables may help me grow and give me energy, but what if I want to be short and underachieving?"

"He downloaded one of those apps that helps you quit smoking."

Latest science behind social distancing advice

"Because you always do that with your fingers."

"Dr. Jeckyl and... Mr. Internet"

Shut Yer Yapper and be Happy, Loser! There's a ton of so-called simple self-help books. The five most important questions: 7 habits of highly effective people: 7 steps to living at your fullest potential. Too many steps! She's going to be filthy rich.

"Well, last year I kicked gambling. . . the odds are 3 to 1 the New Year will be a good one."

'I want to speak with you about your work habits.' 'You mean work is habit forming?'

Smoking Cessation Clinic - Formerly The Pub.

'I've decided to narrate my own like in the third person today', he said - 'Oh, God. Not this again', she uttered plaintively. - 'Shut. Up.', she bellowed threatiningly at the fleeing man.

Addiction Research Centre.

'Sister Agatha you're flirting with another bad habit,'

"Stop tensing your abdominals!"

"And do you, Robert, mind if I smoke?"

"I wouldn't usually say, 'she's always copying me' is grounds for divorce."

The Ten Resolutions

'Scanning articles without finishing them on the Internet is affecting you. You're not finishing anything.'

'Dad, I have commissioned my buddy to study your behavior patterns.'

'You don't even know you're doing it, do you?'

Gps to advise on 'lifestyle' issues