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Proud of herself for "never owning a tv" Emily watches eight episodes of a mediocre tv show on her laptop while in bed.

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Crap from the future.

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"Why can't I get anything done unless I'm totally stressed out about it?" "Is it possible to be relaxed and still be productive?" "What is wrong with my brain?" "Why don't you work better?"

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"I think I see a miscreant in the carpark. There's no time to call the police I must deal with it myself."

Modern Life Blues

"Photo safaris are not what they used to be: They seem more interested in taking selfies than photos of us these days..."

Give me a child at seven and I will show you the MAN!

"No matter how many times Martha berated Tony, she just couldn't break him of his habit of not chewing his food."

"I knew there was something wrong when he stopped reading the obituaries."

'You're docile enough alright, but I don't like how you grind your teeth while you sleep!'

"Very funny."

'Now don't forget what I told you - no touching!'

"First, finish that genetically modified asparagus. Then you can have ice cream full of bovine growth hormone."

Man looking at a vending machine with a hand sticking out of it and a sign that reads "Put'er there buddy".

Latest science behind social distancing advice

Two ATMs sit side by side; one is labeled "Cash" while the other is labeled "Power".

"Because you always do that with your fingers."

"This is an expensive habit - I keep stubbing out my e-cigarettes."

"He looks so natural."

Rodin's Nailbiter.

"Luckily, our retirement funds are entirely in double lattes."

'I want to speak with you about your work habits.' 'You mean work is habit forming?'

'I've decided to narrate my own like in the third person today', he said - 'Oh, God. Not this again', she uttered plaintively. - 'Shut. Up.', she bellowed threatiningly at the fleeing man.

'Stop biting your nails son and get to sleep!'

Vending machine offers tea and sympathy

"I wouldn't usually say, 'she's always copying me' is grounds for divorce."

"And do you, Robert, mind if I smoke?"

"Stop tensing your abdominals!"

"Pop-up prison."