Old-timey Humor Fan Gifts

"Keep an eye on Old Bound Volume of Harpers. He's on the make."

'I'm so happy I could help you with your allergy to snakes, Miss Medusa!'

'I was hoping you'd sign them 'To my good buddy Moses!''

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

'I ask her to make up her mind. So she powders her forehead.'

'Sigh! So that's what love is all about...'

"Bonk!"

"Perhaps it wasn't so wise to bring Frosty along!"

You can't get what up

Birthday To-Do List

"It's time you had those dinosaur hips replaced."

'You must have misunderstood, dear -- I'm sure they don't sell old generals at government auctions!'

"So who ordered the 'Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum on a dead mans chest'?"

'Hey! You're not for real, are you man?'

Inventor of the Tudor spirit-level

Young costermonger trying to sell to a gentleman.

'Yes, the colours are wonderful. But he only does five pages per month, and he doesn't support PostScript.'

"It's overdosed on Parakeetamol."

"You ever get the feeling the posse's starting to lose focus?"

'...please switch of all mobile phones, paging devices and alarm watches...'

'Wait till the big dumb nut gets home and finds out he's got a wig.'

Ed Revere, Spam Courier

Trump to Build Wall

Servant Painting Targets Around Arrows Shot by a King

Shakspeare a little altered. - 'He lived not wisely, but too well.'

'That's a bad omen no sooner does he invent the wheel than he has the first ever road traffic accident.'

'The MCC celebrate a famous victory' group of dodgy looking old English men holding drinking glasses

"Oh my god, you guys, a puppy!"

"At first I thought a full size spare was a good idea, but now..."

Its a poor heart that never rejoices

Charles Darwin, stand-up comic

Old Martin Chuzzlewit Suspects the Landlady without Reason

"When I die, I'd like to die having sex..."

'I like a man in a suit.'

"I'd like to donate my body to comedy."