Old-school Aficionado Pillows

"We don't let computers mess up your medical records. We do it by hand."

'I'm old enough to remember when smiley faces were right side up.'

Abacus.

"Midtown Vinyl. Vintage albums + EPs. Midtown Ink. Vintage books + newspapers."

"That's a clock? Where does it display the time?"

I just bought a new Kindle Voyage. It's much better than my Kindle Paperwhite. Blasphemy, little buddy. A real man lugs around a paperback that he's milled from a fallen Redwood that he lifted off of a baby deer, before reuniting the fawn with its mother. I bought it off of Amazon. I didn't even use "one-click." I used the shopping cart and chose all the options manually. Almost as impressive. I keep it old-school.

Are you ever worried people will see all the stuff you put online? Not at all … because I don't put anything online. I'm not on Facebook, I'm not on Twitter, and I conduct all my business in person so they can be charmed by the twinkle in my mustache. You are looking at a man who's totally off the grid, little buddy. It's like talking to a Neanderthal. I also shave with a razor-sharp sliver of granite my grandfather bequeathed unto me.

"Of course we get along. You're normal, and I'm normal classic."

"When it comes to technology, Fred lives in the moment. The moment is 1987."

The Missing Sock Returns

"What old school? This is my life."

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

'There's no delete key. You have to use the board eraser.'

"I put my faith in coal. Because there’s no fuel like an old fuel."

"You've got night fever."

'Do you know what I miss? - Chalk talks!'

"My goodness, no! Grandfather would never, ever let us near this!!"

Peace on Earth

Robert Mitchum

"I'd like to make a return."

'I was 'Sweatin' To The Oldies', and I flipped over on my back!'

"Of course it sends your message digitally. If you want analogue we'll have to saddle up old Bessie."

Wild and crazy salmon

"Bartleson, are we cronies yet?"

"He refuses to watch the NEWs - living as he does, in the past."

"Eugene is retro. He thinks everything was better in low-def and black and white."

'Beat it! I've got a computer!'

"I've gone for a retro phone."

"We had an expert restore all the original shag carpeting."

"They just don't make 'em like Doc Malone anymore!"

Workers constructing barcodes

"I know it's a little old-fashioned, but I'm a Capricorn, and I thought it would be romantic if I carried you over the cusp of our First House."

"Sorry, I double-booked. This wouldn't happen if I had a computer - but they insist we do everything by hand."

'Mom calls this a diary where you write private thoughts no one else can see. What fun is that?'