Offline Advocate Gifts

Ask Me about my Break from Social Media

The only guy left who's not online.

“It's a tree, sweetie. No need to Google it.”

"Well the good news is that we did save a little money by not investing in cyber crime protection...."

"We need to rethink our strategy of hoping the Internet will just go away."

King uses drawbridge as wheelchair ramp to his van.

The Government is now following you...

"Harold died happy knowing he gained a certain immortality through social media."

"Boss, I'm more than just a cashier and mopper-upper guy."

"When I was young, we made statements using signs and marches!"

'Sure, you can communicate with him. He's also hooked up to the Internet.'

"I had to close all my social media accounts. They were making me anti-social."

'Ahem. No txtng PLZ."

Perpetrator of a daring daylight illegal electronic transfer of funds fleeing the scene of the crime.

'Give me the name of your first girlfriend, first car, and first pet!'

Herring Impaired

"Before you go through the gates of heaven think back to the early days of the internet. Did you ever visit or post anything homophobic, racist or sexist? Tell me now or I will find out."

The anti-social network: 'In other words, you want to help the internet blow itself up.'

The Off-line Store

'It looks like a sad individual hunched over a computer, but apparently it's people power.'

"But I don't need to take swimming lessons. I did an online course."

"I'm bringing litigation against everyone who is responsible for my overly demanding socialization."

"I applied for the right to be forgotten."

'Whenever I get on the Information Superhighway, somebody FLASHES me.'

I haven't seen Uncle Mort lately. Are you serious? How could you miss him? Ever since Youtube started demonetizing channels left and right, it's been driving independent content creators out of business. Your uncle's out front trying to get people to sign a petition to save his favorite show. "Oatmeal News" told us what the incontinence industry didn't want us to hear about staying regular!

You'll require a better credit rating before we we can raise the limit on your card.

"I told you we need the internet. We can't organize a revolution with sticky notes!"

'You don't me- I'm not on Twitter or Facebook but I would like to be your friend,'

"He definitely doesn't want to see anybody."

2020 was a rough year for lip readers. (sad man wearing a mask, not able to read lips)

'My life is so boring, even I don't follow myself on Twitter.'

"What this world needs is a Facebook with admission standards."

Man with head in The Cloud gets excited.

'It's so refreshing to meet someone who doesn't blog.'

"Now customers must prove they're not robots by checking the boxes of people making deposits."