Officiating Pillows

'There really is no need for confusion. Rule 10, section 5, article a, subsection 3, exception 4 quite clearly states ... '

"Sorry, I don't know what a handball is anymore either."

Refereeing Stages.

'I can count on one hand the number of bad calls I've ever made.'

'So you're the referee who had the courage to call a Technical Foul on Bobby Knight.'

"Uh ho. It looks like the Ref's giving him the yellow vuvuzela."

'Everyone keeps telling me I need my eyes checked, so here I am!'

Various degrees of 'out' and the corresponding behaviour of umpires.

'On second thought, you're right. It was incidental contact.'

Dominic walks onto the court, safe and secure in his new heckle proof body armor.

Referee

Trial by Media

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

'Never mind singing it in rap... a simple 'I do' will suffice.'

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

'As far as clock watching goes, you take the biscuit.'

"This ump is so good he doesn't even blink."

Wedding disaster #27.

"You may now let me go try to get the sand out of my shoes and suit just in time for my next beach wedding."

Marv was trying to teach Rufus how to be a REAL retriever.

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

The General's Cat: 'Always vigilant!'

"Yes ... no!"

A Reasonable Time for Concern

'And do you promise to be the one out of two marriages that does not end in divorce.'

Trilby - 'Dodor in his glory'.

Verbal Orders

"...and if you both can successfully complete this CAPTCHA, we'll continue with the vows."

'He's definitely heading for a red card.'

"Hold on—I'm getting information as to why these two should not be wed."

'I bet you could walk down the aisle blindfolded now,eh,Gloria?'

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

"'Better or worse' and 'richer or poorer' are NOT choices."

"Yes, I do need an answer right now."

'You are in court today, so I've got to take you into make up.'