Office Snark Gifts

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'Surely you wouldn't want me to laugh at your joke if I didn't think it was funny!'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'It's a chart of office morale. This is where you went on vacation.'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

'Let's not go by the book.'

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"Peter's Joint Head of Communications."

"Clear my schedule for the next five minutes. I feel the need for some spontaneous frivolity."

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

The Department of Blind-Side Bias, Knowledge Gaps and Really Great Coffee.

'Take two tablets the moment you begin to feel indispensable.'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

"Don't flutter your little wings on company time."

Bo're'droom

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

'A few more years in this job and you'll learn how to delegate stress.'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"I drink just enough coffee to make me think I can do my job."

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

"That report on corporate redundancy... I'd like it in triplicate."

Sign - Halt manager crossing

'Being the boss's yes-man used to be easier. Now you also have to 'like' him on facebook, follow him on Twitter, link with him on linked-in...'

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'The sunglasses idea would have worked if you hadn't started snoring.'

'We haven't improved quality, but we've made it easier to return.'

'Who folded the annual report into a paper airplane?'

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.