Office Ironist Gifts

'Johnson gave it to Wilson to give to Adams to give to O'Connor to give to Anderson to give to me to give to you to get it done right away.'

This was not in my job description.

'Clear communications are essential to a positive work environment, so let's be 'clear' that we will be expecting you to cover the cuts by working twice as hard for less return in worse conditions!'

"Well of course this is a hostile workplace environment. You do realize what it is you do for a living, don't you?"

I'd like to talk about absenteeism.

"The good news is that you get a one-month retroactive raise. The bad news is that you are fired."

"Take heart, Mike! In my experience, the quiet desperation of ordinary men, when properly managed, can move mountains in the workplace!"

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

'I knew if we waited long enough, heaven would downsize.'

"Simplified application form? . . . This IS the simplified application form!"

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

In trays read: Bluff/Blink.

"Phizby, your can't do attitude has really cut down on screw-ups around here. Keep up the good work!"

"Our constantant surveillance indicates workers are becoming more paranoid."

'Your job will be to worry about the unimportant things.'

"Who the hell is responsible for this no-blame culture???"

"On the plus side, you're on the cover of all the major business publications."

This isn't a good time to see him --- He just got outbid for a soul on eBay. Beelzebub.

'After our downsizing drive, there won't be room for you within our organization, Holbrooke. However, we would like to retain your services as a corporate clown.'

Maybe next tiime you'll hand in the risk assessment on time

"The water for your fishbowl was approved, but it looks like for now you're not getting the fish."

'Yes, my opinion today is the opposite of what I said yesterday. In my position, this is called 'flexibility', in your position, it would be called 'unreability''.

Fitted Sheet:1/Human:0

VEGETATE.

'Yes, Mr Gurkinsky is the lawyer who specializes in advocating employees who are endangered of getting fired because of staying away from work for too long... unfortunately, I haven't seen Mr Gurkinsky for about three weeks...'

'No doubt about it we're really lost!...Even GPS says it can't help!'

Sartre's E-Mail

'You remember Mr. Horton? You know, the one you said to give the 'clean desk' award to? -- you fired him three years ago.'

"It's the latest directive from senior management about how to run a 'paperless office'!"

'The facts speak for themselves: My opinion however is in the accompanying letter with your redundancy package.'

dog-come ingo out boxes

'Mind you, I'm not responsible for the entire pipeline ?' just the section that flows through my office.'

'You were the last person I expected to fall down on the job, Trubshaw.'