Management Ironist Gifts

VEGETATE.

"Who the hell is responsible for this no-blame culture???"

"Senior management is happy for us to manage the changes ourselves apart from a couple of things."

"If we can just get beyond this 'I'm the boss' mentality and concentrate on a simple 'What I say goes' outlook, I think this will all work out."

It's a new government directive requiring us to be 58% more cheerful within 18 months.

"...our Annual Report has been criticised for lack of clarity - well done!"

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

"Openness and transparency are a big part of our corporate mythos."

Backlash industries: makers of the macro-chip, bigger, slower..and it even makes mistakes

I'd like to talk about absenteeism.

"Our constantant surveillance indicates workers are becoming more paranoid."

'Your job will be to worry about the unimportant things.'

'After our downsizing drive, there won't be room for you within our organization, Holbrooke. However, we would like to retain your services as a corporate clown.'

'We're streamlining efficiency by cutting the staff we employed to improve efficiency.'

'Johnson gave it to Wilson to give to Adams to give to O'Connor to give to Anderson to give to me to give to you to get it done right away.'

'Yes, my opinion today is the opposite of what I said yesterday. In my position, this is called 'flexibility', in your position, it would be called 'unreability''.

'No doubt about it we're really lost!...Even GPS says it can't help!'

Income Tax Return

"You're operation went smoothly, but we're very concerned about some post-surgical insurance complications."

"Such a shame when he was THIS close to emptying his inbox!"

"Your resumé looks great. I just don't think you have the right ego for our company."

"When I was young I needed drugs to feel weird. Now, I need drugs to feel normal."

"Well of course this is a hostile workplace environment. You do realize what it is you do for a living, don't you?"

"We're moving you to another office, Norman."

"Oh, you know, I'm just a typical guy in a boring suit, working in the corporate industry."

"Take heart, Mike! In my experience, the quiet desperation of ordinary men, when properly managed, can move mountains in the workplace!"

"I'm selling all my old passwords that were stolen."

"Yes, I was downsized out of here last month. That's who this collection is for!"

How to make every minute count.

"With so many employees, it's hard for me to remember their names. That's why I always carry a bar code reader."

'Help! As a contrarian I invested in rotary and supersized phones.'

'Clear communications are essential to a positive work environment, so let's be 'clear' that we will be expecting you to cover the cuts by working twice as hard for less return in worse conditions!'

"I no longer think, therefore I no longer am."

"I have an app that gives me points for looking up from my phone."

The Misleading Wine Fridge