Offbeat Relationship Humor Fans Pillows

101 uses of a dead cat: marital aid.

Life is for the birds.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"You're hogging the covers again!"

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

Reading the sports pages.

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

"If you think I ride too fast, Susan...just say so!"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

...My feng shui would be incompatible with your sumo wrestling.

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

Aging Problems

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

'I'm sorry, Louis. I should have warned you that I installed a speed bump in front of the refrigerator.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

'...and another thing - why do I always have to sleep in the wet spot?'

'What d'you mean, I never take you anywhere-who took you to the Festival of Britain?'

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

Missing Persons - "50 years old, 16 stone and bad tempered... Are you sure you want her back?"

'Have you beed seeing other females?'

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

'His ego needs lipo suction!'