Oceanic Epicurean T-Shirts

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

'With my new ishell, I can get sounds from 7 oceans and closing market prices from the pacific rim, New York, Europe. . .'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

Holiday Supplies

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

"The biggest mystery in my life is whether I get a peanut butter and jelly or a tuna fish sandwich!"

Michel Roux Jr

Paul Bocuse caricature

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

"Call this cordon bleu?"

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

How to injury yourself as an adult

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

Survival of the Foodiest

"Some dehydrated corn and bone meal for the gentleman, perhaps?"

'Now, if you can get them when they're still in the clamshell, their adrenalin is way higher which enhances the taste. In fact, here comes one right now!'

"What's good here?"