Oceanic Epicurean T-Shirts

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

'With my new ishell, I can get sounds from 7 oceans and closing market prices from the pacific rim, New York, Europe. . .'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Holiday Supplies

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"The biggest mystery in my life is whether I get a peanut butter and jelly or a tuna fish sandwich!"

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

"Call this cordon bleu?"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Michel Roux Jr

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'...and that concludes this seminar on healthy living. Now, if anyone cares to join me, I'm off to that new place down the street for some steak and a few beers.'

How to injury yourself as an adult

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

Survival of the Foodiest

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

'Now, if you can get them when they're still in the clamshell, their adrenalin is way higher which enhances the taste. In fact, here comes one right now!'

"Some dehydrated corn and bone meal for the gentleman, perhaps?"

"What's good here?"

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'

'I'll leave it entirely to you...as long as it's a red...for exactly $20...from Napa...made from Merlot...2006 vintage...'