Ocean Communicator Pillows

"The line is busy, please try again later...."

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

Very Difficult Conversations

"They didn't want to be identified in my photo, so I blurred their butts."

"The answer to bone loss is to bury them deeper.'

"They communicate through clicks and taps."

Text Culture

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"Just a brief moment, Linda, to thank you for my delicious meals. And if you need me by your side... just whistle." "What fresh hell is this?"

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"You don't whisper anymore."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

'Polly wants a cracker! Fetch!'

Pet psychic -- yup, she's for real.

"I think it loves us."

"Just what emotion is your emotional support dog supporting?"

"If it's a series of patterned clicks, I'm not here."

"Yes, that's the tree with all the squirrels from yesterday. And no, I don't know where they are today."

"Hold that thought, my love. I'm listening – I just need to pee on those daylilies."

"Dude, I'm losing you in this tunnel."

"Oceans are rising, landmass is shrinking - so far so good."

"And here is the very stone that finally enabled us to figure out what all those dogs and cats were saying."

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

The bluebird of passive-aggressiveness

"Obviously, I can't fly like you, but if you teach me, I can probably sing like you..."

"I'm returning home triumphant - do you need me to pick anything up?"

'I'm having a bad whisker day.'

'Quotes, woof, woof, woof, woof, closed quotes.'

Go to settings, sounds, ringtone, whistle, who can hear this, then tap only me.

I have an idea for a new app: It'll tell you what your dog is thinking. What? How? Through a sensor planted in the dog's collar. Every time it barks, whines or sighs, the sensor will beam an English translation to your phone. It'll either say "feed me," "walk me," "I need to potty," or "leave me alone," or a random combination of those. That sounds like the most useless app ever. It'll also shout "I'm running!" when the dog is running.

'Young Master and I are both turning two: How come I'm so much more mature than he is?'

"I need a hip replacement but I believe they're looking at a dog replacement."

'Is it one moo for yes two moos for no?'

"The etchings are in the library."