Occasional Churchgoer Gifts

"My parents will come to church again if you switch to rose."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

Verger Works

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

'Let us pray...'

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

CCTV in church.

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."