Observer Of Corporate Satire Gifts

'I'm afraid we're not able to offer you a raise but in five years you could be in line to get your own work pencil.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

Another day at work would be one too many...

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

Born In Captivity.

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

"Imagine if only 1/2 the companies that claimed to have a great culture actually did."

"The more coffee I drink, the more these motivational posters make sense."

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'Stop saying 'how high?' until I say 'jump'.'

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"