Observer Of Corporate Satire Gifts

'I'm afraid we're not able to offer you a raise but in five years you could be in line to get your own work pencil.'

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

"I don't like getting bogged down in details. I'm more of a big-picture guy."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

Boss's Desk Says No!

"This report is mumbo jumbo...I asked for gobbledeeegook!"

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Welcome aboard, Bailey. Don't worry — they don't bite."

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

BBC - Crisis Management, Damage Control and Liability Supervision.

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

'Being offshored isn't exactly what I expected.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

Born In Captivity.

"We're pleased to announce that your company has shrewdly traded a cow for some magic beans." some ma

'The shareholders have voted you off the board. We don't feel you're tough enough. On the bright side, you've won this year's Miss Congeniality award.'

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'Do you want to tell them their department is being downsized again, or should I?'

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"You can all unroll yourselves now. We're heading back up."

'Instead of a raise, Yomp, you may call me 'Chief', instead of Mr Staghorn.'

We're cutting the forest in half, so I'm going to need you to make the oxygen of two trees.

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

"It's a new target to target a time to reduce targets so that we'll be less target driven!"

'Everyone in the company wears one, Yomp! It's what keeps us focused!'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"The more coffee I drink, the more these motivational posters make sense."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"