Obituary Enthusiast Gifts

'The New York Times obituaries had some good things to say about you. However, none of them are in this book.'

Editor reasures subscriber that he will get an obituary

"He just sits there all day reading the obituaries and giggling."

"Why do you read obituaries every day?"

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

'Of course the Johnsons got the big cloud.'

Veterans Day '20

"Tia Carmen, did you ever wish summer was over...so you could be in school?"

"I've been reading a book of famous quotations. It's amazing how many are by a famous Greek named Anonymous."

'Quotes, woof, woof, woof, woof, closed quotes.'

"Damn Pope Gregory and his new calendar."

Tom Cruise

Frog Prince thinks: 'A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horsefly.'

"No flash in the ancient mummy gallery."

Hippie on the moon

Autobiographies - Fiction and Non-fiction.

'Even if you do, never admit that you know everything.'

Books: Names That Will Make Your Child Hate You!

"Really? 'Yeller'? That's what you want to name him?"

1,001 names to Embarrass Your Child for Life.

'That's a bad omen no sooner does he invent the wheel than he has the first ever road traffic accident.'

Proof you've made it Loud Annoying The voices raised against you

'I'm the one who sold King Tut his tomb. The commission was huge.'

Mummies for Dummies

"I can tell you about this article or you can just read the comments online."

"Everyone is so cynical these days."

War HeroWar Exit Strategy Hero.

Lancelot put to the Test.

Scale indicates the value of books.

"That's just the meds kicking in."

Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, you may be qualified to go to law school!

'Therefore I do christen this child 'Isyouis Oris You Ain't.''

"Son, talk loudly and carry a big shtick.

"These are my sons, Brayden, Caden, Aiden, and Maiden."

"He and Carruthers are both doing biographies of Tolstoy, and it's a race to the finish."