Nutty Humorist Gifts

The walnut has a brain the size of a dinosaur's.

"Once upon a midnight dreary / while I pondered weak and weary."

Squirrel putting nuts in a safe box.

Ralph spent his Sundays in the park gathering nuts.

Some days, we all just feel like a little take-out lo mein.

'Yes, Ralph, they are nuts, but...'

"A nutcracker!! Hey...this thing looks used."

Mixed Nuts

"Ask yourself 'Am I nuttier now than I was four years ago'?"

"Waiter! - will my pizza be long?"

"Who's showing remorse now that it's time for sentencing? Huh? Who's remorseful now? Who was soooo bad?"

"I think we are finally ready to buy a house! What's the market like?"

'Your fat free bit, is right there, in the middle!'

'Trust me. With this prosecuting attorney, we do NOT want you taking the witness stand in your own defense!'

He used to be a cat person, but he went over to the "bark side."

"Peanuts? . . . Really?"

Chestnut crafts

'Jimmy really enjoyed the complimentary beer nuts at Earl's Cafe.'

Don't worry, I'll use my standard excuse: "Sorry I'm late Darling, but I was beached for two hours"...

Desert Island Slob.

I still say you're going overboard.

Almonds, pecans, pistachios, cashews

'Do you realize you're not earning any interest on that?'

Beer-head

Best Orgasms.

A stack of chamber pots sits next to a horror show.

'I still enjoy nuts, but... Quiet! Here comes another one.'

Peanuts: Warning may contain nuts