Numbers Whisperer Pillows

Broker's Report

"Now the board will hear from Todd from Accounting with his free verse composition 'My Mistress, Brash and Beguiling – the Third Quarter Numbers.'"

Pandora's box.

"The human brain starts working the moment you're born, and doesn't stop working 'til you get to long division."

"Here's what I'm gonna do."

'Human Error .. Yet Again.'

"Nope, I still only have one bar."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

Computer Expert

'I think I must be ambidextrous. I can calculate interest with both sides of my brain.'

"Tech-support has confirmed it. Screaming and hitting the computer won't solve the problem. You'll have to try something else."

'Well look, here come the hackers!'

'...and that is my philosophy.'

Computer help.

"Look, the numbers don't lie."

Perhaps we could get the Saatchis to pain a pretty picture.

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

We don't want statistics that reflect the actual market situation. We want statistics that reflect what was decided in this boardroom!

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

Psychiatrist interview an irrational number

I can read this audit, but HOW should I read it...What is my MOTIVATION, how do I bring these figures to life,make them sing!... Colin often wondered whether accountancy had been the right career choice for him

"Finally, a co-worker who CAN handle Big data!"

"Your first job is to learn to recognize your boss' voice on the phone."

"We ran the numbers on how climate change will affect economic growth, but the numbers got so spooked they just kept running."

'I'm sorry, but it's suffering from a terminal disease.'

'Boy, are the markets getting sensitive, anymore.'

'I see you have a stock market/body connection.'

"You say there's a dip in the market?"

Waiting for the 5 o'clock hooter.

"I can't keep giving you stock tips. The SEC has been making 'insider trading' inquiries."

'Noise? When you've been married as long as I have, it goes in one ear and out the other.'

Alternative Accountants

"Yeah, I've been radio-tagged by scientists, so once a week, out of spite, I do something irrational just to mess up their data..."

"The government is confident it has its numbers right. . . we're just not sure what order to put them in."

"The numbers don't lie, but we can fix that."