Number-crunching Challenger Gifts

"He's so used to his phone calculating his tip, he forgot how to do it himself. His phone died, so he's been sitting there for over an hour trying to figure it out."

'You reached the Nervous Investor Fund's Hotline. The per share value is now 19.05, now 18.91, now...'

"Seriously, do you expect us to believe you put on 143 feet a day in business travel?"

The good news is that I've got all the figures...the BAD news is that I'm not sure what order to put them in!

Pork Bellies.

'Is that why our games of hide and seek are over so quickly?'

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"I wonder if management will believe my project?"

"The accounting change that contributed most to the quarter was adding three zeros to the revenue number."

"He put the 'fun' in funding."

'We can't cut out the middle man. With the government in the picture now we are the middle man.'

'Come quickly, sir! - Accounting is having an ennui attack!'

'By the way, no one has ever beaten me and lived to tell about it.'

'...or you could fill out this Form 666 and get a filing extension for all eternity.'

Rhinestone Accountant

"Well, I think we've proved our point...you want to push it, or should I?"

"My ship didn't sink. I swam here from New Jersey to get into The Guinness Book of World Records."

Retrofitting Tax Loopholes Since 1968.

Congress introducing new tax laws to CPAs and businesses.

'It's true

'Well, well. You made thirteen hundred dollars more last year than you did the year before -- you people never learn, do you?'

Room for Error

'You say that you were a chef before retraining as an accountant?... That's good, we could use a bookkeeper who can cook.'

Lester crosses that very fine line separating cost accounting from performance art...

"Workboy"

Hoping to soften its image, the IRS devises the singing audit-gram.

ACcountants Lunch

'No campaign contributions to deduct? -- Tsk, tsk, tsk....'

"In a perfect world, yes - but you can't claim taxes as a business loss."

"I see you're still fishing for that key piece of data."

'There are few moments in business more exciting than the quarterly placing of the decimal point.'

'As I'm sure you all remember, right here is when we all stopped caring!'

'We have a problem!'

'When you cook up a figure make it an odd number like £321.42, not £300.'

'I know that numbers do lie since I happen to work for the IRS.'