Novel Narrator Gifts

Nick Offerman

"I sort of imagined with a live reading, he'd be reading out loud."

"It was a dark and stormy night...."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

For his next book, he would write an epic novel of the sea.

"You're going to hate yourself."

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

"Meet The Author"

"I was going to chuck it all and go to Paris but I didn't have enough frequent-flier miles."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

The DaVinci Code

Victor Hugo

Books: Novels, Short-Stories, Tall Tales.

Thomas Mann.

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

Nathaniel Hawthorne

Reading my Critics

'To most people, 1984 is just a novel; around here it's our instruction manual.'

Something Wilted This Way Comes.

Honoré de Balzac

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

Bank Loan Dept. Personal Business. Uh-oh, some loans have gone bad! A tennis pro defaulted and a novelist is in Chapter 7. The bed linens company folded and the scuba school went under! Are any of our loans still good? Yeah, the music streaming service is totally sound! And ironically, the lighting company is in the black!

Jean-Paul Sartre

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

Television Readers.

'The C minus was sufficient. I didn't need the advice against hiring a literary agent.'

My book report is based on the audio book of the same name.

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

"It turns out everyone here is self-published."

Silence of the Chickens...

John Bunyan

The First Draft. . . Moby Duck.

Characters jumping out of a book.

"So the white whale was really just a metaphor for your mother's lack of affection?"

Duke of Clarence (Later William IV) Promenading with Family