Nhs Enthusiast Gifts

'Don't look at me! You're meant to be discharged!'

Regulators Claim Practices Are Overloaded With Patient Surveys.

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

Two tier health service...salaried GP...GP partner.

The treatment is the same on the NHS...

MPIG: 'There that's better...'

"Don't just stand there gawping women! Give me a hand with my monthly salary!"

'You need the toilet...I'll just go and get someone less qualified.'

"If it's any consolation, the money we earn from private patients is helping keep you while you're on the waiting list."

Only one in three patients recall being given 'choice'.

A tourist goes to a cashpoint before A&E.

'She's seen a man wandering round in his underpants!'

'No it is not a ruddy male support undergarment try again.'

DOH to encourage PCTs to set up walk-in centres.

'It'll be a disaster...you've no experience in Forward-facing reorganisation target setting prioritisation strategic planning.'

'Let me though! - I'm a Doctor.'

A&E dept - Waiting areas for accidents that have happened, and accidents that are about to happen

"I'm thinking of signing up for the postcode lottery."

"We've found the money to run a seven day service...as long as all the days are Sundays!"

Health Secretaries claim of 1000 extra GPs ridiculed

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'

'I checked the database, Mrs. Nimitz. There's no such symptom.'

"Things are still a little rough for me, and occasionally I lose hope and get depressed—but I'm getting stronger every day."

"Your contents have shifted."

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

"Today we'll be performing some much needed maintenance on Miss Trimbles weak pelvic floor."

Good Cop/Bad Cholesterol

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"Your bad cholesterol is trying to persuade your good cholesterol to switch sides."

Studies show foods work miracles!

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

There's no such thing as a triple carburetor bypass!

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"