Nhs Gifts

'It's the new managements policy on how we persecute whistleblowers.'

How to win at hospital league tables

Debate continues about charging for GP appointments.

Annexe 8

'Your GP recommended Lovaza...but I thought we'd try a dose of meaningless platitudes followed by a course of unfulfilled promises.'

Locum GP's to be paid for extra work on the BMA agreement

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

Virtual Doctor

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

STRIP Hambone: Businessman in hospital with his computer

'It's not easy being fabulous and caretaking.'

"Why, Mr. Larsen! We were about ready to give up on you."

"I expect a speedy recovery,"

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Starmer. It's a tool!"

'Is there a chance you will die under the anaesthetic? Well, that is the killer question.'

Maternity Unit - 'Congratulations! It's a midwife!'

'Well, we're off for our xmas break - I'm sure you can manage without us for a couple of weeks.'

survival of the fittest

GP to cat - 'In view of the new polyclinic up the road, yes we are opening our books to new patients.'

'My firm has scrutinised your budget and determined you could save a fortune by sacking us...that'll be £300,000 please!'

'When you've a minute could you design a new health infrastructure for the area with budget forecasts staffing requirements and job descriptions...tomorrow will do.'

'If you could roll up your sleeves, go behind the screen and plaster the wall.'

BMA criticises 'Black Hole' of NHS IT spending

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'As for the tonsillectomy...there was a little mix-up... In other words, you now have cup size D!'

NHS notice - This is a bring your own bed hospital

'I wasn't feeling ill, doctor, until I started hearing about the NHS reforms.'

"We're striking for minimum levels of service."

'You can always tell the pediatricians.'