Nhs Issues Gifts

'When you've a minute could you design a new health infrastructure for the area with budget forecasts staffing requirements and job descriptions...tomorrow will do.'

Virtual Doctor

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

Welsh practice launches formal objection to 'unmanageable' new housing.

Maternity Unit - 'Congratulations! It's a midwife!'

GP to cat - 'In view of the new polyclinic up the road, yes we are opening our books to new patients.'

"Sorry, new style pain killer. It's the cut-backs I'm afraid."

'If you could roll up your sleeves, go behind the screen and plaster the wall.'

Locum GP's to be paid for extra work on the BMA agreement

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

Stafford Hospital - Twinned with Hell.

NHS Reforms: See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil.

Wards / Mortuary

'I don't know which health issue should concern me more - the voices in my head or the fact that I need a hearing aid to hear them.'

Global sum will increase by just 92p per patient

"Rumours of a crisis in the NHS are groundless...Spending is up by 2%, management ratios down by 62%..."

'Pick up your bed and walk woman, for the NHS is not long for this world.'

'Get this, Dr. Melroy just asked my opinion.'

Annexe 8

'The trouble with you doctors is that you don't really understand what the NHS is for.'

'Well I think it's worth a try!'

'I'm afraid the bed shortage is rather acute...'

"Any chance you could come back in ten months?"

DOH should create a simple prevalence formula that works.

Some people have their own methods of dealing with a shortage of nurses

Death in the red zone

'It's great for reducing White Coat Hypertension.'

'And out hospital has rooms...lots of rooms, and some beds, and we've got stairs.'

'Try not to think about your car-parking charges.'

"We'd like you to be at breaking point seven days a week."

We can learn a lot from Macdonalds says Birmingham PCT director of service development.

"I just can't sleep with this wrestler's leg syndrome."

Out of hours GP service machine.

"Armstrong, you're the cheapest cheapskate on earth." "Not yet, but a man can dream." "This toothache is killing me but I have no money and no insurance. Do you know where I can find a really cheap dentist?" "Of course. I can give you my guy's name. He works for peanuts." "I’ll get a pen." "You’ll also need a passport and lots of penicillin."

GP say 10 minute surgery is not long enough