News Snarker Gifts

One Thing is Free

This is Lenny the leopard with the on-the-spot news.

Danae's Career Plans: 'The major product manufactured today is punditry, so I'm honing my argumentative skills to work my way to the top of the blow hard industry..my goal is to become a spin ninja...'

Newspaper suicide.

Hey, how was space? Fine. Jeez. The adolescent astronaut.

"So—who are you angry at currently?"

Corporate Greed.

Business News.

"I'm not spinning - I'm contextualizing."

The North Portico of the White House runs away crying.

All-Purpose Obamatoon

'Mark my words! Our enemies will test this young guy with a huge international crisis as soon as he's electe! But don't worry, he'll be fine!', 'Come here, Joe -- let me give you a nice fist bump!'

"We do have on item the internet hasn't already beaten into the ground, ad nauseam."

"According to my phone, society is on the brink of collapse, but, according to our living room, things seem pretty O.K."

Pickle

'Which channel would you like to tut at tonight?'

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

Fake News - Tabloid News - State-run News - Free Press

'Stocks rose, then dropped on news that life is full of highs and lows.'

I'm in the den mom, reading the newspaper for social studies class.

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

'That damn racial scandal.'

We can't hear you! We can't see you! We can't hear you!

"D'you have any porn porn?"

NEWS WEATHER SPORTS

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"This is not good at all!"

'Trading was active in rumors, today...'

'Here's veteran pundit Edwin Shrock to sound off og whether any other pundits actually know what they're talking about...'

"It's five post meridiem in Central Europe. Compliled form the major networks the news is next."

Celebrity anagrams: Is a salt water rat (Answer: Alastair Stewart)

'Forget about 'who,what,when,where,why,how'...Instead 'Will it sell papers...attract advertisers?'

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

'... and in a startling development, 5 Supreme Court decisions were overturned by Judge Judy...'

"A Ms. Ramona Bissell of West Allison, Vermont, writes, 'What the hell is going on?' We here at WVCN think that question deserves an answer."