News Enthusiast Pillows

"I'd just like to know what in hell is happening, that's all! I'd like to know what in hell is happening! Do you know what in hell is happening?"

"We should lavish them with media attention when they pass a budget cooperatively, to reinforce good behavior."

'And here's Ted with his, always accurate, post-market predictions.'

Information vs. Opinion Desks

'Let's go to our education reporter for more underreporting of school success stories.'

"They're the same newspaper. It just depends on your political point of view."

'The bad news is that the dollar is down -- the good news is that nobody seems to have any.'

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

Meet the Enemy

'In a surprise move today, everybody filed for bankruptcy.'

'According to the latest poll, 64% of the public don't pay any attention to polls...'

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

'... they should never have banned pea-shooters and catapults.'

'Although nothing newsworthy happened today, we will give you meaningless chatter, with the same enthusiasm we reserve for breaking news.'

"I get my news online...none of that fake stuff for me..."

"This new reality show is boring and stupid!" "You're watching the news!"

'After this brief, cheerful message, we'll be back with more 'gloom and doom' economic reports...'

"Remember, this is just an experiment."

Couple watches the news, seeing 'News, Fake News, Weather, and Sports'.

'Interactive TV news.'

'Stocks Rose on News that During National Election Campaigns, Hot Air Rises...'

"Today, 'Greed' was up, on news that 'fear' was down."

'I bring news from the office.'

"...We'll lead with 'GP steals pencil' on pages 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6, and I want pictures!"

Warning!! This newspaper may contain traces of journalism!

'In Today's news, every country blamed another country for their internal problems.'

Comparing the headlines of three different New York based newspapers.

'All right, pal, that's enough! Are you gonna pay for the paper or not?'

"They published my letter about recycling newspapers."

'Today civility broke out in a part of the world previously thought uncivilized...'

'I'm not going to lie to you...that's what we have a spin department for.'

"I'm a little concerned about our distribution."

'And in local news: Someone is hiding behind the drapes.'

"Let me answer your question by saying that you're being really aggressive, and it's totally freaking me out."

'I'll tell you what type of leader I am when I find who my followers are.