News Channels Prints

'And now for the six o'clock news. Nothing happened. Here with the story is Joe Baxter.'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"Which news channel should we watch?"

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

Local News in Heaven

'Och lye the news'

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

Turkey, present day...

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."