Watching News Prints

'Stocks remained steady, due to weak production in the rumor mills today...'

'The market was up today on rumors that the rumors were only rumors...'

"We know nothing. We'll be back in five minutes with nothing more."

'Really, Frank... The late news is so depressing - and it's the same thing every night... Why do you even turn it on?'

'Today civility broke out in a part of the world previously thought uncivilized...'

'You're beat. Maybe you need to wake up to a better morning news team.'

Police continue to search for 3 armed men.

'To avoid lawsuits tonight's news will not name names.'

Business news - 'Interest rates will remain unchanged...but the number of zeroes in $1,000,000 will be reduced from 6 to 5...'

'Has there ever been good news?'

'We're sorry. Yesterday's report on the tax system being replaced by voluntary contributions was traced to a practical joker.'

"And the exit poll results: 20% red, 20% blue, and 60% still undecided."

News on TV: 'At last, some good news from Iraq...Saddam's chamber of torture is being converted into a chamber of commerce.'

"...Now back to Greg with the news, and Donna, who will be checking it for accuracy."

'Saddam today refused to answer any questions unless he's represented by a 'celebrity lawyer' such as F. Lee Bailey or Johnnie Cochran...'

I know this sound incredible, but pro american rioting has broken out

'Today everyone protested everything everywhere.'

Bad News, Really Bad News, Horribly Bad News, Devastatingly Bad News and Apocalyptically Bad News.

"In a controversial move today, the State of Rhode Island made a tender offer for the State of New Jersey."

"The following contains scenes of people not accepting what they cannot change. Viewer discretion is advised."

'Our convention coverage is sponsored by negative campaign ads from the rival party.'

We really have to stop letting him watch the news.

"A sad incident at LaGuardia Airport today as a depressed 757 landed and burst into tears."

'...just a reminder, this really is the news. It's not a movie or one of those reality shows.'

6 O'Clock Noose

'Fighting broke out in a region of the world previously thought to have been uninhabited.'

'And now a report on garden tilling and other earth-shaking events.'

Katie Couric

'More on the 'Down' Stock market in a moment, after a commercial from the makers of uppers...'

'700,000 killed and millions injured... and now, here's Lenny with the lighter side of the news.'

'In financial news, admissions of impropriety outperformed denials of impropriety.'

'I love the crawl line.'

Here are today's numbers: debris removed from lower Manhattan...

Two children were abducted from their home today... Officials swear that the U.S. will pay for its interference... Studies suggest that global warming is taking its toll... No news is good news.

The Evening News with Earl and Edna: 'Apparently the new thing we're supposed to be terrified about is explosive underwear...And I already regret saying that out loud.'