News Channels Gifts

'And now for the six o'clock news. Nothing happened. Here with the story is Joe Baxter.'

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

News and Magazines. Celebrity gossip. Sports scandals. Political bickering. We're out of the "information age" and well into the "too much information age"!

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

Mary Tyler Moore: Spot the Difference

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

"Which news channel should we watch?"

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

"We'd better stock up on TV snacks in the event of war."

"I'm going to miss it when they stop warning us"

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

Local News in Heaven

'Och lye the news'

Hello, this is Cable News. Oh. I'm Mortimer Park. As you know, we only have four short years until the next presidential election. So it's time to start asking: Who should run? Whom do you prefer? (A) Al Gore … (B) John Kerry … (C) Marco Rubio … (D) Ted Cruz ... (E) Christ Christie ... House of Java Cybercafe. How about (F) You? Mr. Eugene Yu is actually (T).

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

Turkey, present day...