News Anchor Prints

Difference of Opinion

"Uh-oh, I think a storm has turned our valuable ocean-front property into worthless ocean-floor property."

"Nation-wise, we're in a pickle."

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."

'We don't have the answer, but we're really getting off on the attention.'

5 day forecast.

'Unconfirmed reports suggest that there may have been a breakdown in communication.'

God hounded by the media.

"Our top story: bloody conflict, secret meeting, auto recall, drive-by shooting, more staff cuts, medical breakthrough. We'll be back as soon as we decide."

'Responding to viewer sentiment, we have eliminated world news and expanded our entertainment and sports news.'

"No comment."

'Oh my God! Brace yourselves! . . . Wait - this just in: everything's fine. . . for now'

'We'll be back, after this commercial break, with more reasons why its not safe to leave your house.'

'Stocks remained steady, due to weak production in the rumor mills today...'

'Hey, that line's moving a lot faster!'

"Here's what went wrong today."

'In a dramatic reversal, economists now believe that leading economic indicators are now lagging economic indicators.'

The All-Crisis Network

"Of students surveyed, 64% prefer English and 32% prefer math. The fact that these numbers do not add up to 100 may help explain why."

"Now here's my co-anchor, Nancy, with a conflicting account of that very same story."

The Doom Channel

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

'Please disregard the previous message about the imminent collapse of the global economy'

'To avoid lawsuits, tonight's news will not name names.'

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

Horrible things!

"We want to warn you that the candidate's comments have yet to be spun, so you may have to formulate your own opinion."

'After this brief, cheerful message, we'll be back with more 'gloom and doom' economic reports...'

Everyone but you has dumb opinions.

"In other news, oil and gas prices became irrelevant today when scientists announced that pretty much anything can run on caffeine."

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"Remember, this is just an experiment."

'Although nothing newsworthy happened today, we will give you meaningless chatter, with the same enthusiasm we reserve for breaking news.'

"Honey, what's that channel I like to watch?. . . You know the one with strong opinions based on little information."

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'