News Anchor Prints

Difference of Opinion

"Nation-wise, we're in a pickle."

"Uh-oh, I think a storm has turned our valuable ocean-front property into worthless ocean-floor property."

"That was Brad with the Democratic weather. Now here's Tammy with the Republican weather."

'We don't have the answer, but we're really getting off on the attention.'

'Unconfirmed reports suggest that there may have been a breakdown in communication.'

5 day forecast.

God hounded by the media.

"Our top story: bloody conflict, secret meeting, auto recall, drive-by shooting, more staff cuts, medical breakthrough. We'll be back as soon as we decide."

'Responding to viewer sentiment, we have eliminated world news and expanded our entertainment and sports news.'

"No comment."

'Oh my God! Brace yourselves! . . . Wait - this just in: everything's fine. . . for now'

'We'll be back, after this commercial break, with more reasons why its not safe to leave your house.'

'Stocks remained steady, due to weak production in the rumor mills today...'

'Hey, that line's moving a lot faster!'

'In a dramatic reversal, economists now believe that leading economic indicators are now lagging economic indicators.'

"Here's what went wrong today."

"Now here's my co-anchor, Nancy, with a conflicting account of that very same story."

The Doom Channel

"Of students surveyed, 64% prefer English and 32% prefer math. The fact that these numbers do not add up to 100 may help explain why."

"And now, to work you up into a froth of hate, hysteria, panic, and uncertainty, the news."

The All-Crisis Network

'To avoid lawsuits, tonight's news will not name names.'

Horrible things!

'Please disregard the previous message about the imminent collapse of the global economy'

"Bad news on Wall Street today, as the bottom fell out of the market, the sides collapsed, and the top blew away."

School of fake news.

"We want to warn you that the candidate's comments have yet to be spun, so you may have to formulate your own opinion."

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

"In other news, oil and gas prices became irrelevant today when scientists announced that pretty much anything can run on caffeine."

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

'Dang! The recession is over and we didn't even know it!'

'In economic news, stocks and interest rates declined, but the decimal point stayed steady.'

Everyone but you has dumb opinions.

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'