Tv Anchor Prints

"The subject of tonight's discussion is: why are there no women on this panel?"

'Good evening. Peter Jennings is ff tonight, and I'm some ditzy blonde...'

'Due to scheduling conflicts, the Today show will be seen tomorrow....'

'Actually, Sean, I'm offended by the fact that you think I'm offended.'

'If they're so darn 'fair and balance,' why are all the reporters people?'

'...In other news, fighting erupted today in a place I certainly never heard of.'

"This just in from the AMA: New studies reveal that life is bad for you."

BREAKING FAKE NEWS

"I could afford a degree in broadcast journalism, but not the makeup."

"To avoid lawsuits, tonight's news will not name names."

"There's only bad news! Tomorrow I'm going to knock down the journalist."

"Viewers, please be aware that the weather forecast is for entertainment purposes only."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Showbiz Awards

"I caution everyone to avoid taking the first field reporter job that comes along."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'Mighty strange weather tonight, followed by downright weird tomorrow....'

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

Difference of Opinion

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

"And by president we mean the one on Saturday night tv, not the real one. He kinda sucks."

"Now we move over to the sports desk."

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"I love it when you use your 'All Things Considered' voice."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"As some of you may have guessed I got yesterday's sunburn factor wrong!"

'Poll results are in...90% of Americans can't spell Schwarzenneger.'

"Which news channel should we watch?"

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"....So called 'fake news' is dangerous to our democracy!"

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."