Newborn Nurture Enthusiast Gifts

"Not to alarm you, but the other newborns are already ahead."

A midwife holding a baby

Bird feeding chick that is nesting in a knight's helmet

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'So this is goodbye then!'

'Hey, big deal! We're all new kids on the block!'

Jonathan was so sleep deprived after the arrival of his baby that he accidentally burped a workmate.

"I wish they'd never discovered fertility drugs!"

"Give her some space! She's overdosing on baby talk!"

"Should we keep the receipt in case of returns."

"Little Lucas doesn't go anywhere without his weighted blanket."

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"I'll give you 15 minutes, no biting."

Egg Buggy

"How are you getting on with your new baby?"

'Well done troops: Spring is over, we can have a break now...'

'Dad has lamb's-quarter, pigweed, sheep sorrel, chickweed and buckhorn, and we can't even have a dog.'

"Bottled or breast?"

Clean the World.

In an alternate universe, characters from the rough draft and finished manuscript of the same novel meet themselves at a cocktail party.

'Congratulations! It's one of the beautiful people!'

"Gold ... Frankincense ... Myrrh ... why wouldn't wise men bring diapers?"

'Well, Mary, you've already screwed up you first two kids. This could be you last chance...'

"If you kids want to grow up to be writers, it's time we give you something to write about."

'Wait a minute! I want it stirred, not shaken!'

Baby Mums.

'Anorexia definitely isn't in this girl's vocabulary.'

"I'm not surprised that lady's so fat. . . The baby's been blowing her up for hours."

"John thinks he's got my neuroses imprinted on him already, but I say that the OCD is pure John."

"I'm beginning to think I need a three-million-year sabbatical from humankind to recover my health."

'Great draft. It just needs a little exfoliation.'