New Hire Orientation Gifts

"You weren't expecting a walrus, right?"

Meet the new factory manager.

'A depressing thought just came over me. Now we'll have to go out and get a job!'

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

"Before I read the financial report I have to ask... do any of you have a weapon?"

'I blame the nothing for something culture.'

"Providing great customer care is of course important, but shall we start with how you manage forms TG-45S through to NSD-89b."

"Hope you like working here. You'll find this place runs like clockwork!"

'Right, I hope that gives you an idea of what the work is about, any questions?'

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

"We're a family here and you'll be like a son to me - illegitimate, of course."

'You seem young, Perkins. Why, I bet I was incarcerated before you were even born.'

Rail travel - the environmental alternative (that sometimes doesn't allow bikes)

"I got the promotion. Instead of Wednesdays, I'm now the one who gets blamed when things go wrong on Tuesdays."

"Just great...on my first day on the job."

'You can't cash your paychecks until your 6 month probation is satisfactorily over.'

"This is my first day. I don't have any yet."

'Andrews, a parking space will be assigned to you in a day or two.'

I realize you're new here, Fusco, so perhaps no one told you that we replaced casual Friday with nudity Wednesday. ! !

"They might tell you that starting out down here is standard procedure, but it isn't."

'Hmm. . . no criminal record. I'm concerned you lack commitment.'

"Welcome to the team. Now put on your Groupthing Glasses!"

"I need to recover from working from home with the family around me 24 hours a day. . . that's why I'm living here in the office for a while."

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

'It's taken me time to adjust to the different management style here.'

'I've been disorientated since my employee orientation program.'

"Hold on, Brandon. Let your probationary period expire before you start microwaving fish."

'I really should have paid more attention to the company's health care coverage options before I accepted a job here.'

"Welcome to the team, you'll mainly be working from home and just popping into the office every few weeks for a bit of chitchat and bonhomie."

Day One of training for the typical new worker.

'What's job security like around here? Well, I wouldn't bother taking off my hat or coat.'

'Careful. You still have that new-employee smell.'

"Could you just make it a little awkward for a few weeks?"

"Everybody says this is an awesome company to work for once you get through the probationary period!"

"You'll be fine, just act like you know what you're doing - that's what everyone else does."